"It's ok, you're not sick."
"Just don't worry about it."
"There's nothing wrong with you."
How many times did people - my husband, doctors, friends, family - say these things to me? Yet I couldn't believe I was well.
My problems with anxiety about my health started was about 9. My grandmother had a huge illustrated manual of symptoms. I was fascinated by it, and would spend hours going through it and scaring myself with the pictures. I wasn't seriously scared though, it was more like the feeling you get watching a scary movie or reading a true crime book. Later on in my teens and twenties, I started getting scared of the things I saw in that book. I can still remember them today!
In my late teens, I started to be very frightened that I had contracted HIV. At the time, I knew how it was transmitted, and I knew I had almost no risk. I had several tests that were negative, and the fear went away for a while. It would continue to surface every few years. I would have an episode where I was sure I had it, I would obsess over any cold or flu, and I was constantly thinking that my glands were swelling up.
I also would have cancer scare episodes. I would notice a lump or skin abnormality and worry and obsess about it, remembering the pictures I looked at in the book of symptoms! During each episode of health anxiety, I would consult various doctors until I got one that I thought was taking me seriously.
Finally, I found one doctor who was better at dealing with my health anxiety. I saw her until the time I moved out of the area. I still had a lot of anxiety, but at least I didn't have to keep changing doctors.
In 1997, I met my fiancée. He had been in the process of moving out of San Francisco to move closer to his family. We ended up moving to Cincinnati, Ohio together. Though I was really happy with him, Cincinnati was a horrible place for us. I felt really isolated and ended up on the net all the time. My worry about my health got worse and worse. I started having all sorts of symptoms like tingling, numbness, general weird feelings in my hands, feet, arms and legs, restless legs at night, insomnia. I started going on the net and looking up my symptoms, turning up a lot of neurological conditions that scared me a lot. I got more and more nervous.
Still, we managed to get married, having a nice wedding and a honeymoon free of health anxiety.
After 15 months of Cincinnati, we decided to move back to California, settling in my home town of San Diego. Though I was thrilled to be going home, my symptoms started to worsen. I was convinced this meant they were not just caused by depression, but were from a neurological condition. The whole move back was hard on us, especially the long drive with two nervous cats and two even more nervous humans!
Now I realize how stressful moving is, especially a big cross country move. Moving is one of the times that is very likely to intensify any anxiety condition. At the time I didn't really look at it that way.
When we arrived in San Diego, I was in charge of finding a house to rent while my husband settled in at his new firm. I was convinced that I was having MS symptoms, and was staying up at night crying while I surfed the net. I was so anxious that I was having a hard time driving. I wanted to see a neurologist, but our new health insurance did not take effect yet. Though we were still technically covered under our old insurance, there were no doctors who took that plan in San Diego.
While looking up my symptoms, I came up with some anxiety web pages. I started really wondering if that could be what was happening to me. My symptoms felt so strong, I really did not think there could be other than a purely physical cause. I got the book Phantom Illness, where there were quite a few cases were similar to mine. Quite a few of these people had been helped by prozac or similar antidepressants. I decided to go to a psychiatrist, who I would pay out of my own pocket. If he didn't think that what I was experiencing could be anxiety related, I would go to a neurologist. The psychiatrist thought that my condition could be caused by anxiety and also could probably be helped by prozac. He told me this over the phone! I wasn't too keen on his "over the phone" diagnosis, but I went to see him anyway. He told me about another one of his patients, a doctor who was convinced he had MS. Taking prozac had helped him, and the psychiatrist thought that I would be helped the same way. The session was about 30 minutes long and it ended with him giving me a prescription for 20mg of prozac per day.
I had found us a house, and I stayed at home all day. I was still very nervous and anxious, and still thought there was a good chance that did have a serious disease. I had a hard time doing things, like unpacking and looking for work. I didn't want to go out or see anyone.
